Weighing the Balance

I told myself that this semester I would be writing more. Actually, I'm beginning work on a brand new blog, because collecting baseball cards is SO twentieth century. But in the meantime, I figured I would sqitch in my mandated daily hour of writing on this little bugger. Ok, honestly, this is my first time trying to get in this hour of writing all semester. But one of my dear friends, Julia, was visiting all last week, and the week before that classes were beginning, so I officially pardon myself.

Also, six o'clock is really early. My goal is to get up at six, do my devotions, and then write from seven to eight. I'm not sure why I keep confusing myself with Wonderwoman.

Anyway, the semester is off and moving, if at a sort of demented crawl. I realized about two days after getting to Columbia that my bank account would be zero come. . .soon. . .and my semester of community and self-development is becoming one of unforeseen character development, as the job hunt begins once again.

Job hunting is stressful, ya'll. Especially when you are available for only the funky hours of a graduate student. And for a million other reasons/excuses I enjoy utilizing.

And to be honest, the past few weeks have been anxiety-ridden for me. Tears. Lots of tears. Random bouts of shaking, chills, and sleeplessness. Heart-in-throat moments and near hyperventilation whenever I think of it. In one moment of, "Uh. Oh," my real beliefs about God, His goodness, His love, His character, are revealed. They don't really flatter either of us. I would really like to put all my doubts to rest once and for all. I doubt that'll happen. People don't resolve their conflicts that easily.

But I can say that, in the words of a song I sang in choir in high school, "he never failed me yet." Looking back on my life, I can say that He's always come through. Logically then, judging from that evidence, it makes sense that I choose to trust Him until He proves Himself untrustworthy. I would certainly consider any human friend of mine innocent until proven otherwise. So why is it so hard for me to do so with God?

I know why. It's because there are people, even Christian people who believe in the same God I do, starving and dying and hurting and despairing of God's presence worldwide. I don't have a neat, bow-wrapped answer to that pain, or to the question of why I, privileged, selfish, and undeserving person that I am, should have the right to ask or expect more of my life than I have already been given.

But I can affirm the following, with my head if not my heart quite yet:

1) Grace is, by definition, undeserved. And God's mercies are new every morning. Lamentations 3:22-23). Side bar:I have no idea how to delineate between grace and mercies.

2) God claims that He is good, a Father to those who need Him, and has demonstrated nothing less in my own life thus far (Matthew 7:9-11).

3) Trust is a choice, a choice to give up the way we think something should be done, and to rest upon God's promises. Resting is hard, but possible, with His help. (Proverbs 3:5; Matthew 11:28).

4) Even as I wait for the answer, feeling stagnate, He cares. He cares about my dilemma right this moment; He wants me to carry my burden to Him right now, not after I have it under control, not when I become "deserving", not when I'm pretty sure what the answer is, not waiting until "something really bad" happens and I REALLY need Him(because I do recognize, head-wise, at least, that my anxiety is completely unwarranted given the situation). . .He cares now. This is a good thing. (I Peter 5:7)

5) If I do end up dropping out of school, I'm totally making lemonade and moving to Chicago and taking up social work. But in the meantime, I will practice gratitude, for this is one step I can take toward furthering my knowledge of my blessings and my willingness to trust. Because He is good, and what He does is good (Psalm 119:68).

6) This, right here and now, is the perfect opportunity for some character development. I was going to work on developing my own character this semester. Which shows a lot of where I need such character development (self-sufficient much!?). So hey, what a great (if unanticipated, terrifying, and somewhat grating) opportunity to consider it pure joy and come one step closer to perfection(James 1:2-4).

I'm don't want to sugar coat things or present myself as super-spiritual. I would very much prefer that the only worry in my life be whether to play guitar in my room or outside. Honesty compels me to admit that I've had a terrified little weep or two just writing this. But I'm here. And I'm trying, trying, trying, to submit to the "flames," (if you'll allow a little dramatization), rather than squirming free of the burning, yet tender touch of the Father.

Oh, pray for me, dear friends. Because this isn't just about a job. This struggle goes much, much deeper, revealing the core of my relationship with this Christ I purport to serve. My life-long struggle to believe in the goodness and love of the Father is being challenged powerfully and painfully right now. I don't terribly mind coming out scrappy and gasping. . .but I would very much like to know I'm going to come through. Hm. . .that would be a sufficiently dramatic note to end on, but I think it needs clarification. I'm not in danger of giving up my faith. But what good is faith in a despotic god, who bears little resemblance to the real God? What I mean is that I would like very much to be able to come through this being able to affirm with a life-changing conviction that God is, indeed, love and goodness, power and justice. That's all. No big.