Settling.

I wish I had been able to keep a mental journal of all the thoughts that have been running through my mind over the past several days.

“I love transitions.”

“Wow, God, that was unnecessarily kind of you.”

“Please let me merge, please let me merge, please let me merge. . .”

I kind of feeling as though I’m having a chance to redeem my transition to Taylor. No, scratch that. My transition to Taylor was what it was, and though it was undeniably messy, I’ve been indelibly marked and changed by it.

So this is a new transition. A new opportunity to make mistakes, a new opportunity to learn and grow and be changed, to meet and enjoy new people, and learn how to love old friends well from a distance.

I’ve realized that ever since graduating and leaving behind BFA, I’ve lived with a constantly-running mental hourglass. When I went to Taylor, I never (not once in four years) voluntarily rearranged a room or decorated. I loved the people at Taylor, but I refused to become attached to the place. Last year was particularly "bad" in that sense. I participated in a ton of Taylor events, but when it came time to spend actual time with friends, I shied away, knowing full well that graduation and goodbyes were looming.

That, I find now, was a mistake. It’s not one I particularly regret, but it is one I won’t repeat again. I’ve already talked to my landlady here about extending my lease, and I could potentially be in this house until I am ready to head back overseas.

I’m settling. The other day I rearranged my room. I’ve sketched out decorating ideas. I’m checking out what I can plant in the garden.

I’m determined that this will be a home. And even if I end up moving in May, I will pack up my fresh herbs, and the cute little curtains I plan to sew as soon as I set up the cute little sewing area I’ve planned for one corner of my room (have I mentioned that I am an excellent dreamer?), and I will take my home elsewhere. For transition, as I have learned, is meant to be transient. I’ve forced myself to live in a state of perpetual pseudo-transition for years now; it’s time to roost.