For future reference

Disclaimer: I'm trying to keep a log of this experience, to remember it in detail, so that throughout other transitory times, I can review and realize that I'm normal. Perhaps this is an obsessive attempt at control that indicates that all is not as well as I think it is. We'll see. Forgive the intrinsically selfish nature of these next few posts. Hopefully I'll be able to post something more universally meaningful at some point soon.

So here, apparently, is where it hits. I almost cried today in a training video for work. The training video, shockingly enough, did not warrant any kind of emotion on my part. But there it was.

I suppose now is where my emotional reserves have been used up. Yet I'm not sure. It's not as though this has been terribly uncomfortable for me. I like my roommates, I like my landpeople, I like my classes, and my professors, and my classmates seem nice. My new job seems as though it will be enjoyable. In fact, on paper, this transition could not be going more smoothly.

So why am I spending a lot more time than I ought on Facebook, connecting, however briefly, to my past? Why are unhealthy coping mechanisms surfacing in my life? Tonight, as I talked to a dear friend, I kept saying, "Yeah, it's fine, and I'm fine," with a broken record quality. Even as my brain was agreeing with those words, my toneless repetition of the phrase rang hollow. Even the placement of the phrase was suspect. I told her, "Yeah, it looks like I can't go home for Christmas. I'm fine." I told her, "I'm so behind on homework, I already feel like I can't catch up. I'm fine." I told her, "Yeah, I haven't really made friends in my classes. But it's fine."

So my question is, how is life so simultaneously fine. . .and yet not? I have no room to be ungrateful. God has provided in every way that I've asked, and I really, truly have enjoyed this transition. I'm not kidding. I like being challenged; I have been incredibly blessed during what could have been a very difficult time, and on top of that, I like what I'm learning and I've been growing like that proverbial weed.

So, how, I ask you, am I so far from fine?