I was reading over some of my semester goals today, and a rather surprising theme emerged. I am an excuse maker. A big one.
"I want to do this, but. . ."
"I think this would be a good goal, but. . ."
Reminds me of John 5: After Jesus asks what seems to be a ridiculously obvious question to a lame man ("do you want to get well?"), the man responds with an even more surprising, "There's no one to help me." In other words, "I can't." Perhaps in the case of this man, he was demonstrating faith (ie: "I can't, Lord, but you can").
My case, however, contains no such faith demonstrations. I stop right after "I can't."
"God, I would like to stop being so controlled by people. But I can't."
"God, I would like to stop my patterns of emotional eating. But I can't."
"God, it would be nice if I trusted you more/loved people more/was more generous/didn't live under the weight of self-imposed guilt/you name it, I've been there? It really would. I would like it a lot. But I can't."
And underneath all these excuses is the more enlightening fact that "I don't want to." It's too hard, and I prefer to eat ice cream when I'm sad than to turn it down and just be sad. It's too hard to love people I don't like, and I would prefer to dislike them and find some excuse for my behavior. It's too hard to stop being controlled by people, and I would rather work my butt off this semester, risking my schoolwork and health and relationships, than tell my boss that I can't and risk making him angry with me.
My sin patterns have carved a rut in my being, and despite the fact that the grass is legitimately greener on the other side, digging myself out of the rut is too hard. I prefer to lie here in my sin, looking wistfully but helplessly at freedom, and saying, through actions if not words, "Yeah, Lord, the freedom You died to give me is nice, and all. . .but I like this better."
How would our lives be different if we really and truly wanted to be well?
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2 comments:
Lauren,
I forgot to tell you in class today that I love your blog:) Thank you for being so honest and transparent. I believe in being transparent and feel it brings people close together:) Just so you feel better, I ate vanilla ice cream with peanut butter 3 times this past week. I sought comfort and found it in that big ole bowl of yummy ice cream:)
Remember that our sin does not define who we are! You are a deeply loved sinner;)
Progect! (Lift hands in mock self-protective gesture)
So I'd tried to look up your blog several times earlier this Fall to see if you'd been posting anything (since you apparantly live three days drive from the post office--just kidding!), but of course I was spelling your name wront, and apparantly there is no lcweist on blogspot.
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