An Inner Dialogue

At work:

Outer me: "Sir, would you like a gift receipt with your purchase today?"

Older man: "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Outer me: "Uh. . .*shrill, awkward laugh*

Inner me: "Lie, lie lie. . ."

Outer me: "No."

Inner me: "Really, Lauren? You pick this moment to sprout a conscience? What about that time when you told your mom that you hadn't eaten that bag of chocolate? What about the time you told that guy who asked for your cell number that you didn't have a phone--and it began ringing in your purse 30 seconds later? Really? Now?"

Man: "I want to set you up with my son. You'd be great for him."

Outer me: "Oh. . .um. . .hm."

Inner me: "Wow. Didn't realize you were asking if he wanted a daughter-in-law with his purchase, were you?"

Man: "He's 25, and I sometimes think he's too laid back for his own good."

Inner me: "Tell him you're 17. Tell him you just got out of jail. Tell him you're married. Tell him you're a stripper."

Outer me: "Oh, so you're trying to get him to settle down."

Inner me: "What is wrong with this guy that you are so desperate to get him settled that you're selling him to a girl whose career goals, for all you know, are to be a cashier at Bed Bath and Beyond until the end of time?"

Man: "Yeah. I'll have him come in here and buy something."

Outer me: (in a dazed manner) "Well. . .um. . .I'll be here."

Inner me: "Dear Lord, please please let me now be here. Also, Lauren, on a scale of really poor responses, that registers a 10."

Absurd experiences amuse me.