My heart works like cling film--you know, the craptastic stuff that becomes utterly useless once you pull it off the roll, because it sticks all over everything you had no intention of it touching, and balls up on itself once you get it to the dish you want to cover?
Yup, that's my stupid little heart. It clings to the things God has given a clear "no" to, and overlooks the things He wants me to focus on. It gets so wrapped up in my pain it forgets the blessings it's been given. It becomes absolutely fixated on areas that are harmful or at least not helpful, thus negating its purpose.
It's been a rough few weeks, as I've lost track of where God fits into this never-ending picture of grad school ahead of me, and have begun focusing on the here and now. The here and now isn't bad. It's just lonely and wounded sometimes.
I'm learning that healing and woundedness are not as black and white as I once believed. I used to think that wounding encompassed life so heavily that when a person became wounded, s/he had no choice but to break from life, heal, and then move on. Wounding does permeate life, but it's much more subtle. I, for example, am a highly functioning individual, and truth be told, I'm genuinely happy most of the time. But wounds I've carried for a long time are beginning to become de-scabbed, and I'm in that contradictory stage of being completely fine, yet totally wounded at the same time. Highs and lows meshed together to make. . .not a comfortable medium, but a painful joy. Joy is definitely the melody, but ache surely does play a persistent harmony.
I'm not sure if any of these far flung analogies make sense, even in my head. I suppose at the end of the day, I'm just trying to get across the concept that I am frequently stupid and run away from the ache that God filters down to me, in favor of the more brutal ache this world offers when I'm on my own. It seems easier, initially, because then I don't have to deal with the hurt of what feels like betrayal, and the "Why, God? Why weren't You there's?" that inevitably arise when I feel striken.
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Lauren, what a precious gift you are to me. Your words as hard as they are to hear, soothe my soul. You are an amazing writer. Thank you for opening up. I am having a hard time right now too. I feel like all the old wounds are coming up again and it just wears me out. All of my coping skills seemed to have vanished. I feel naked and exposed. Uncomfortable. Scared. Yet, deep within my heart I know and believe what He is doing is good. It will bring Him Glory. It will.
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