Clarity

I don't have a whole lot of that right now, but I was writing an email to a very dear person in my life about how I feel emotionally and existentially on the brink (if one can, indeed, be existentially on the brink), and concluded, "Maybe this is what happens when someone who is the center of her universe meets the Center of the Universe."

Whoop, there it is! That's it. Of course things hurt like hell right now--C.S. Lewis writes, in the beginning of Screwtape Letters, "We must picture Hell as a state where everyone is perpetually concerned about his own dignity and self-advancement. . ."--by that definition, I'm in hell. And getting out of hell is an awful process.

I'm finally starting to get what it means to be painfully purified. It means, in my case at least, being flung from my own personal pedestal. And I wanna go back. Being the shiznit of my own world is not only comfortable, it keeps me feeling really good about myself. God. . .yeah, God doesn't make me feel good about myself, at least not initially. God makes part of me cringe in horror, while the other part says, "Hey, You should probably pay attention to me, too! I'm kind of a big deal!" Part of me grovels while another part, a very real part, stands up and makes the absurd demands an ant makes to lion. "Save me, protect me, and then lavish upon me everything I ever wanted! In short, be my personal genie! Be the center of MY universe, just as I am! Then I'll love You. I've even give You lip service and try really hard to make You happy."

Too bad the lion doesn't need me to be happy. Too bad I can't see that the only reason the lion takes any notice of me at all is because of His character, not my virtue.

Of course it's gonna hurt. My definition of happiness centers around me. Until I can change that definition, I will never achieve true happiness. And changing that definition means being stripped of all the coping skills I've ever developed, along with a good dose of whatever keeps me feeling good about myself. . .and it requires a whole lot of trust that, when it's all said and done and I've got nothing left, He'll be willing to heal and restore the wreckage.